Saturday, September 23, 2006

Kidnapped Soul

It was yesterday when we, Carmen, Cindy, PuiYeen and I planned to meet up with our used-to-be guitar teacher, Eric Wong. We had guitar lessons together before a few years back every Sunday @ Ampang Point's Yamaha Music School.

We were feeling rather awkward for the first 10 minutes after meeting up. I think its normal because we havent been meeting up for about 2-3 years. Or is it me who is the only one who feels unatural. Hmmn. We begin to chat. We started to talk about the past as if we were rewinding our lifes back to the period we were still having guitar classes with him. While chatting, I felt uneasy, seriously. It has nothing to do with anybody there on the same table with me but me, myself. I realised I've changed alot compared to the past. Perhaps not physically but mentally. My thoughts, my personality and my maturity. I've actaully turning into someone else slowly, within without being noticed.

I've been changing and growing silently. I do not act like this in the past like how I'm doing now. I don't know. I used to be someone quiet. Someone who will do according to what her heart tells her to do so. Someone who is more real. Yes, I'm not what I'm mentioning. I'm not quiet anymore. I need attentions from certain people. If I'm quite it means I'm having some problems or that I dint like you. Now, I cant really do things according to my own feelings. I just cannot. I need to take care of everyone feelings. I need to listen to this and that. I cannot do things base on myself, alone anymore. Perhaps I need to have some responsibility but I somehow dont like it.

It is like, sometimes I would love to blog about something but I knew certain people would get upset if they are in it. Or maybe like this, I dont want to spoil a certain relationship just because of a single entry or whatever. Blogging might not be everything of my life so I wont die if I dont blog about it. I can just sleep over it. All the while, I have this on my mind, "Tolerate is the key of everything." And I think I've been misled by this thought as the more I tolerate, the higher the others would climb on me.

I've been doing things on what the others said I should or I should not. Its like a kite flying in the directions of the wind. That's not the worse thing of all but noticing that the kite is being attached to someone who flew it. I don't see freedom at all. A very good example to actaully describe my feelings now. How come I can be the old me where I do whatever I like, I want as long as I dont hurt anybody. I really dont know. I've lost myself.

And yes, I'm not real enough. But not to all, maybe to the people who are close enough to me. I'm someone cheerful, rich, talkative, hyper, smart, lanci to people who dont really know me. To be honest now, I'm not what you guys think. I'm someone sentimental. I'm emotional. You think I'm lanci because I really dont like to speak to people I dont know especially guys UNLESS I like you. You think I'm cheerful, hyper or crazy because I dont really love to show my sad face anymore; I dont want people to know me as a sad girl. You think I'm smart because I'm really smart but not at the field of studies. I'm smart as in, I'm cunning. Whatever you call. You think I'm rich because I love to make myself look good and I know how to do so.

I dont like people who judge me or people who love to stare at me in a rude way everytime I'm near them when they dont even know me. And I've met such losers. Please dont be jealous of me, really. Because I'm really not what you think. I'm just another better-for-nothing, maybe like you. Hahaha. And have you ever heard of this, if someone loves to put down someone verbally, it means this particular person is just having a very very low self-esteem. That's me. I know this is a very selfish thing to do so but it really feel much better. Sorry. Please dont hate me.

I think its not a easy thing for me to type out this entry. Its hard for me to blab out everything kept inside me. Why am I always doing something which the others would be pleasant but not me. And sometimes why some people just love to make it sounds as if what they did are all right but not things I did. I dont know. I've no idea how everything has lead me to type out all this.
Please, my friends dont feel bad or what when you come across this because this is typed for people who has shallow knowledge about me. I really had a hard time to search for real good friends because I'm just so fake. People who knew about me really understand but......... Sigh. I also want to take this opporunity to appologise to people who I've been acting bossy on. Its just because in reality, I'm being controlled. I dont know how to exaplin further more but just that.

I've lost freedom, I've lost personality. I want to get them back. But I dont know how.

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