Sunday, June 11, 2006

Why Isn't He a Girl?

Yes, am back from being on hiatus. And I've also recovered! I can now say bye bye to tissues and Vick. Hahahaha. Physically recovered. ;)

Another reason why I'm on hiatus was because I was in some sort of depression too. I'm always like this. I actaully do not like to share my problems to the others unless needed. Even the adults around me noticed that. Everytime they look at me, they say I looked as if I think a lot. Yes I do. Everytime I do taroting or any other supersitious stuffs you can think of, they would advice me to share my problems. I'll go crazy one day if I still refuse to listen to them.

Sometimes it is just so hard to find a suitable person to turn to. Frankly, I feel awkwards telling my problems to my close friends who I see almost everyday like Carmen and Cindy. No. I really don't share it with them unless I need help. I may sound selfish but I don't like the feeling of seeing them the next day when I'm okay and another day I'm mad. Just weird to me.

I would actaully prefer to turn to people that eye contacts are not needed. People on internet is one of my option. However, it's not easy to find a good listener either, but I'm lucky that I've Susan. She's one of the best listener or to say a reader that most of the time I would turn to her whenever I face any problem. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to to blab out everything in my mind without having any feedback. Something like anger releasing. This time, I would turn to a guy. Because I would act adnormally that I would crap like the unusual me. Pity PiaoChing that he is always my victim. He doesn't reply but just let me type anything I like. Haha. Thanks pal.

Sometimes I would burst out to Elaine, my cousin. She's one of my closest friend. But it is still kind of inconvenient that she's always busy and there would be the awkward feeling everytime I see her or anything lar.. I told you, I didn't like to talk about all these things to people I can see or what.

Besides Susan, I've also a couple of good friends I made in I can say anything, almost everything to them because they don't know me. Remember, I don't need feedbacks.

I was thinking how good would it be if I have a sister. Yes, even if I'll see her everyday in my life but it doesn't matter in this case. Because she can help out anytime and be there for me anytime. I always wanted a sister. An elder one preferably. Why didn't my mother give birth to another sister for me? Why a brother.?

I'm craving for a sister ever since I was at a very young age. I treated my brother like a sister. Yes yes yes, I would tie ponytails for him and dress him up in a girlish way. Kill me. I'm that childish. I remember very vividly in my memories that there was once I tied a ponytail for him when my mum asked us to prepare to go for an outing. I made him went out with the ponytail. However, I was to face to music when my parents realised it.

That was the time I pampered my brother most. As he grows bigger, size I mean and age lar, I begin to feel irritated everytime we have to communicate. I don't know why. We never chat. There's no similar topics between us beside TV programmes and family stuffs. Nothing else. Sometimes i think I'm the green devil. My mum loves him more than she loves me; from what I can feel. Hmmn.

Things he owes are always better than mine. Beside education and travelings, so far. Sigh. My mum pampers him a lot and he respects me no more. Whenever we argue, I'm also the wrong one. Why? I always tolerate him but no one sees it. I may be bossy but I'm always reasonable. And it's always my fault.

Everyone says I treat him badly. Yes sometimes when he gets on my nerves. Deep inside, I don't hate him. I'm always doing things for his own good. He'll know one day. I know everything about him. I just act stupid. If I were to treat him badly, he would be in a different state today.

I like sons but not brother. Lucky I have only one.! Hahahahahaha.

Ooh, I din't give the names. He was named Jack when he was borned until he was 5 before entering kindergarten. My father named it i think. I din't like the name because my puppy in my grandparents' house was named Jack too during that time.

So my brother asked if he could change his name to Jason. Why Jason? Remember the red ranger in Power Ranger? He is Jason. I din't want him to have that name during that time because I was so in love with the Rangers and I remember my bestie during that time, Alvin was playing the role of red ranger and I was the yellow one. Hahahahaha. And so, I lied to my brother saying that John is Jason's brother. ;)

Why lah!? I want a sister.! ;( I'll get my daughter a sister in the future.


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